For estrangeiros and Tugas alike, life on The Stone Raft is endearing and maddening at the same time. The past sixteen years, we have returned to our restored quinta in the Beira Alta with a glad heart and leave wishing we could stay longer. But like a longtime, beautiful, and demanding mistress, our relationship is built on separation. Why? For many reasons, but foremost, because I was born overseas of American parents in the golden 1950’s when being an expatriate meant a life of glamour and affluence. I became a Naturalized US Citizen when my father registered me at the American Embassy a few weeks after I was born. Despite, the enviable life, my brother and I wanted nothing more than to be American. That sense of not belonging, of self exile, imprinted early in life, was an invaluable lesson as I watched others, like foreign grad students and immigrant neighbors struggle with the insoluble dilemma of not belonging anywhere. (Of course, we are not economic migrants, pensioners who achieve a better standard of living by taking their capitalist gains to live in a poor socialist country and then tout the struggling public health system to which they have not contributed a dime….. ) I wish, once in while, some one would ask, “What can I contribute to Portugal?” before they move here, rather than the baldly transactional questions about the price of dog food or cheap wine. With intention, we keep Portugal in our hearts despite nearly losing the farm to wildfire many times (arson is an accepted form of domestic terror treated as a national sport), as well as having the government summarily expropriate part of our land for a railroad that is still, after five years, an unbuilt shambles of endless blundering. And yes, as to the wine, it is universally wonderful and shamefully inexpensive. The boa vista of the Serra da Estrela is priceless.
Oh Lucy! I thought I was alone in feeling vaguely unsettled by all the pro-Portugal propaganda of late. I have tried to convince myself it’s just The Algorithm speaking to me because I spend a lot of time in Portugal.
I left my birth country (US) permanently in 1993 so your observations about gradually being phased out of popular culture ring true to me. At some point, I stopped caring too much— but as I age, it is strange to not have those common landmarks with the people I have surrounded myself with for decades.
As I have officially entered my 60th year on this planet, I fully embrace my natural curmudgeon. The notion that I might be “trendy” by planning a move to Portugal is appalling. I’ve been coming here for more than 20 years to work with brilliant trainers and become a better dressage rider. I now own a young horse who was born here and is in training, and have realized that I have no real desire to move him to Switzerland in a couple years.
And even if I do manage to become semi-fluent in Portuguese, I have no illusions of full social integration. Switzerland has prepared me well.
I’ve lived abroad maybe four times now (?) with my first bunch of years abroad being in Japan, from the U.S., and yes to everything you wrote here. Have you ever seen Past Lives? I LOVE that film, and it’s the only one I’ve seen which speaks to this experience — and brilliantly, subtly. I watched it last year with a German friend (in Germany) who HADN’T spent years abroad, and he had no idea why the whole thing had me on the verge of tears 😂
Thanks for articulating this, Lucy. 10 years ago I moved from the UK to Belgium for love. Everything you wrote resonates. Except I definitely didn't move here for the weather ☔😅
I can so identify with this!! As in, not feeling like you belong really anywhere. Not in the place you're living, not in the place you're from, but just kind of existing in this in between place. Your article really got me thinking about people like us, and it turns out there's a term for us — third culture adults. It comes from third culture kids. It's a topic I'd love to explore more. Particularly as someone who is one and will be one for the rest of her life!
I moved to the Netherlands in 1995 for work, for a three year contract. I actually loved it here and stayed. I’ve never gone home to the US except very brief visits. It is a foreign country to me now, especially now. My grandparents, parents and sibling have passed away so it’s only my son now - he’s in DC - with two granddaughters. I love them but thank heavens for FaceTime. I don’t think I would fit in back in the US any longer. But to your point - do I fit in here? Well, no, to Dutch people I will never be Dutch. I speak OK Dutch, but as soon as I’m with friends from when I moved here, we speak in English as we were all working for a US company. I do speak Dutch to “newer” friends, and it is fine. I listen to Dutch TV and Radio, read Dutch newspapers and magazines. Not books, typically, those I still read in English. But I will never be fully Dutch. I am still an American, but stuck in the era of Bill Clinton. My US cultural references, even with today’s streaming and internet, mostly stop at 1995. I love the UK and travel there often, but it is too much like the US for me. I do watch BBC1 and BBC2 which I can get here on cable, always have been able to since I moved here -so all my early TV and radio was BBC after the move. I feel about 10% English, 40% Dutch and 50% stuck-in-the-past American. But you know, I’m quite OK with that!! I love life. People have said “nowhere is perfect” and that is so true. Also, so true, be happy where you are, because it is where you are and being happy is a mindset, not based on people, places or things. I enjoyed what you wrote, you’ve got a follow from me!
Really interesting post. Thanks for sharing your experience. It's funny how the "belonging/not belonging" feelings are the same regardless of country of origin/country of residence.
Thank you Sharon! I don’t envy your learning Dutch. I have Dutch friends and once I asked one to teach me basics in Dutch. I lasted a morning!! Glad to meet you :)
Westerners romanticize “anywhere else” because the tourist experience is more fun than everyday life, and they mistakenly think that the pleasure is a product of the country.
Oh the truth to these words the beauty and ache of these words
I now feel too foreign to return to the country I was born & raised in as I left over 20yrs ago permanently with no family or friends there anymore anyway
The countries in between where career/ work stops although incredible it was not possible to stay
And here I am living in Portugal and no not on a whim it’s been an 18yr relationship and even longer for my husband
But I definitely feel too foreign to go home to my place of birth and somedays I am definitely too foreign for here and then there are days where i realise we are all far more alike than different and i am home
Yes, I was talking about this just recently here with another Substacker: how dare people back in our home country move on and change without us?! Outrageous! 😁
The reason is this: it comes off as a bit pretentious, especially in this day and age, to say how bummed you are not to find British culture in a decidedly un-British country, and not be treated as the local you aren’t. I commend you for learning the language, but at least recognize that you were in a privileged position that millions who made the reverse journey weren’t and aren’t. Given the current climate and spike in violence towards immigrants, complaining about dirty looks and EastEnders reruns rings hollow.
That is not what I said, and you have misunderstood my tone, but I’m fairly sure you know that. Se quiser, podemos continuar esta conversa em português, já que o senhor não entende o sentimento que escrevo em inglês. Pretende que nunca ninguém pode falar da sua experiência nunca mais se é uma pessoa com um mínimo de privilégio? Bom, parabéns por ter uma opinião tão forte sobre mim sem ter lido qualquer outro texto meu, ao longo dos últimos 20 anos, além deste. Pena.
Esquece o que ele disse… nem todos os portugueses dirão coisas estupidas. Um abraço Lucy e gostei muito de ler. Só não entendi a parte dos “os portugueses não se misturam”. Mas entendi bem a parte em que não fazemos amigos. Eu tenho zero amigos, sou portuguesa e sempre senti isso. Agora com 34 anos e a trabalhar em casa já deixei de ter esperanças.
A coisa de não misturar é uma das minhas grandes generalizações (faço muitas)… mas não há muita mistura entre classes, profissões, gente que não conhece uma a outra. Famílias casam se com famílias da mesma faixa. Mete uma dúzia de pessoas numa festa onde uma metade não conhece a outra metade, mesmo numa festa não se falam, ficam com a sua metade. Ainda tenho gente por volta de mim que fica chocada se cumprimento-na na escada do prédio, já que nunca fomos apresentados formalmente. Talvez isso todo esteja a passar, falo da minha geração (X!) e acima… também trabalho em casa, perco noção do mundo novo.
Wow, Lucy learned what millions of immigrants in America, the UK, and elsewhere have experienced since the 1800s. As someone who straddles the line of being a citizen of a country while not looking like it, I don’t see why any of this is particularly novel, eye opening, or surprising. Unless you’re an elitist who is somehow surprised that Portugal doesn’t have the full range of British television shows and doesn’t see you as one of them, what would you expect? Hopefully anyone reading this would at least use it to learn not to be as demanding or critical of the immigrants living near them, because they’re Lucy too. And sadly, it’s not rolled eyes they have to worry about.
Oh, how I’ve missed this. Why one earth would you be so rattled by me expressing that I was a bit bummed out that 25 years ago I had only the Brittas Empire to watch on the TV, while home alone with a baby, while I learned Portuguese, and didn’t at the time realise how I would feel after a few years? Wow indeed.
Lucy, I moved to France three years ago for my French husband. And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that in someway, I miss my home in America every day. I understand how you feel and I agree.
I get so tired of comments like “lol now you know how immigrants in America feel.”
Yeah, I know. My Neighborhood in Washington DC had a big Latino population. And I volunteered teaching ESL to adults at a heavily Latino church.
I was and remain genuinely happy that there were Latino, grocery stores, restaurants, and churches.
There is nothing wrong with anyone missing home when they move to a different country .
The only people who disagree with this are people who have never lived abroad or have something genuinely wrong with them that causes them to hate where they grew up .
I also think there’s an uncontrollable urge in some people to virtue signal at every possible opp. Ever since I started blogging 20 years, I’ve had people coming to tell me off for my thinking, as if they’re going to change my mind by berating me. Crazy.
I love Lisbon and Portugal, through Benfica, and have a lot of close Portuguese friends. They treat me as one of the family and I'm always amazed not just by their kindness and generosity but their families. It's always a huge wrench to leave.
However, if I moved there, I would be outside that bubble for most of the time. It would be a struggle with language, the numbing bureaucracy, utilities and above all earning a decent wage. I doubt I would really be happier.
For estrangeiros and Tugas alike, life on The Stone Raft is endearing and maddening at the same time. The past sixteen years, we have returned to our restored quinta in the Beira Alta with a glad heart and leave wishing we could stay longer. But like a longtime, beautiful, and demanding mistress, our relationship is built on separation. Why? For many reasons, but foremost, because I was born overseas of American parents in the golden 1950’s when being an expatriate meant a life of glamour and affluence. I became a Naturalized US Citizen when my father registered me at the American Embassy a few weeks after I was born. Despite, the enviable life, my brother and I wanted nothing more than to be American. That sense of not belonging, of self exile, imprinted early in life, was an invaluable lesson as I watched others, like foreign grad students and immigrant neighbors struggle with the insoluble dilemma of not belonging anywhere. (Of course, we are not economic migrants, pensioners who achieve a better standard of living by taking their capitalist gains to live in a poor socialist country and then tout the struggling public health system to which they have not contributed a dime….. ) I wish, once in while, some one would ask, “What can I contribute to Portugal?” before they move here, rather than the baldly transactional questions about the price of dog food or cheap wine. With intention, we keep Portugal in our hearts despite nearly losing the farm to wildfire many times (arson is an accepted form of domestic terror treated as a national sport), as well as having the government summarily expropriate part of our land for a railroad that is still, after five years, an unbuilt shambles of endless blundering. And yes, as to the wine, it is universally wonderful and shamefully inexpensive. The boa vista of the Serra da Estrela is priceless.
❤️ so good to read your words, Denise
Oh Lucy! I thought I was alone in feeling vaguely unsettled by all the pro-Portugal propaganda of late. I have tried to convince myself it’s just The Algorithm speaking to me because I spend a lot of time in Portugal.
I left my birth country (US) permanently in 1993 so your observations about gradually being phased out of popular culture ring true to me. At some point, I stopped caring too much— but as I age, it is strange to not have those common landmarks with the people I have surrounded myself with for decades.
As I have officially entered my 60th year on this planet, I fully embrace my natural curmudgeon. The notion that I might be “trendy” by planning a move to Portugal is appalling. I’ve been coming here for more than 20 years to work with brilliant trainers and become a better dressage rider. I now own a young horse who was born here and is in training, and have realized that I have no real desire to move him to Switzerland in a couple years.
And even if I do manage to become semi-fluent in Portuguese, I have no illusions of full social integration. Switzerland has prepared me well.
I’m loving hearing from fellow curmudgeons!
I’ve lived abroad maybe four times now (?) with my first bunch of years abroad being in Japan, from the U.S., and yes to everything you wrote here. Have you ever seen Past Lives? I LOVE that film, and it’s the only one I’ve seen which speaks to this experience — and brilliantly, subtly. I watched it last year with a German friend (in Germany) who HADN’T spent years abroad, and he had no idea why the whole thing had me on the verge of tears 😂
Oh I absolutely loved Past Lives!!
Thanks for articulating this, Lucy. 10 years ago I moved from the UK to Belgium for love. Everything you wrote resonates. Except I definitely didn't move here for the weather ☔😅
You make it sound like it's a negative.
We are in south Portugal.
We do not belong to the Portuguese culture.
We are a small tribe of expats.
We make fires in the woods.
We play music.
We dance.
We surf.
We grow food.
We spread love.
Nationality is old school control.
We saw it in covid times.
We had great time, with friends, family and kids.
We do not wish to belong to a flag, language or narrative, dictated by rulers and dictatorship survivors.
Portugal allows all that.
Live and let live.
♥️
I can so identify with this!! As in, not feeling like you belong really anywhere. Not in the place you're living, not in the place you're from, but just kind of existing in this in between place. Your article really got me thinking about people like us, and it turns out there's a term for us — third culture adults. It comes from third culture kids. It's a topic I'd love to explore more. Particularly as someone who is one and will be one for the rest of her life!
I moved to the Netherlands in 1995 for work, for a three year contract. I actually loved it here and stayed. I’ve never gone home to the US except very brief visits. It is a foreign country to me now, especially now. My grandparents, parents and sibling have passed away so it’s only my son now - he’s in DC - with two granddaughters. I love them but thank heavens for FaceTime. I don’t think I would fit in back in the US any longer. But to your point - do I fit in here? Well, no, to Dutch people I will never be Dutch. I speak OK Dutch, but as soon as I’m with friends from when I moved here, we speak in English as we were all working for a US company. I do speak Dutch to “newer” friends, and it is fine. I listen to Dutch TV and Radio, read Dutch newspapers and magazines. Not books, typically, those I still read in English. But I will never be fully Dutch. I am still an American, but stuck in the era of Bill Clinton. My US cultural references, even with today’s streaming and internet, mostly stop at 1995. I love the UK and travel there often, but it is too much like the US for me. I do watch BBC1 and BBC2 which I can get here on cable, always have been able to since I moved here -so all my early TV and radio was BBC after the move. I feel about 10% English, 40% Dutch and 50% stuck-in-the-past American. But you know, I’m quite OK with that!! I love life. People have said “nowhere is perfect” and that is so true. Also, so true, be happy where you are, because it is where you are and being happy is a mindset, not based on people, places or things. I enjoyed what you wrote, you’ve got a follow from me!
Really interesting post. Thanks for sharing your experience. It's funny how the "belonging/not belonging" feelings are the same regardless of country of origin/country of residence.
Thank you Sharon! I don’t envy your learning Dutch. I have Dutch friends and once I asked one to teach me basics in Dutch. I lasted a morning!! Glad to meet you :)
Looking forward to your next posts!
Loved this, every word. Thank you.
Thank you, Dan
Westerners romanticize “anywhere else” because the tourist experience is more fun than everyday life, and they mistakenly think that the pleasure is a product of the country.
Wow yes! So true, thank you for putting this into words.
Oh the truth to these words the beauty and ache of these words
I now feel too foreign to return to the country I was born & raised in as I left over 20yrs ago permanently with no family or friends there anymore anyway
The countries in between where career/ work stops although incredible it was not possible to stay
And here I am living in Portugal and no not on a whim it’s been an 18yr relationship and even longer for my husband
But I definitely feel too foreign to go home to my place of birth and somedays I am definitely too foreign for here and then there are days where i realise we are all far more alike than different and i am home
Brilliant!
Thank you :)
We don’t mix? What does that mean?
Yes, I was talking about this just recently here with another Substacker: how dare people back in our home country move on and change without us?! Outrageous! 😁
It’s so inconsiderate of them! :)
The reason is this: it comes off as a bit pretentious, especially in this day and age, to say how bummed you are not to find British culture in a decidedly un-British country, and not be treated as the local you aren’t. I commend you for learning the language, but at least recognize that you were in a privileged position that millions who made the reverse journey weren’t and aren’t. Given the current climate and spike in violence towards immigrants, complaining about dirty looks and EastEnders reruns rings hollow.
That is not what I said, and you have misunderstood my tone, but I’m fairly sure you know that. Se quiser, podemos continuar esta conversa em português, já que o senhor não entende o sentimento que escrevo em inglês. Pretende que nunca ninguém pode falar da sua experiência nunca mais se é uma pessoa com um mínimo de privilégio? Bom, parabéns por ter uma opinião tão forte sobre mim sem ter lido qualquer outro texto meu, ao longo dos últimos 20 anos, além deste. Pena.
Esquece o que ele disse… nem todos os portugueses dirão coisas estupidas. Um abraço Lucy e gostei muito de ler. Só não entendi a parte dos “os portugueses não se misturam”. Mas entendi bem a parte em que não fazemos amigos. Eu tenho zero amigos, sou portuguesa e sempre senti isso. Agora com 34 anos e a trabalhar em casa já deixei de ter esperanças.
Obrigada!
A coisa de não misturar é uma das minhas grandes generalizações (faço muitas)… mas não há muita mistura entre classes, profissões, gente que não conhece uma a outra. Famílias casam se com famílias da mesma faixa. Mete uma dúzia de pessoas numa festa onde uma metade não conhece a outra metade, mesmo numa festa não se falam, ficam com a sua metade. Ainda tenho gente por volta de mim que fica chocada se cumprimento-na na escada do prédio, já que nunca fomos apresentados formalmente. Talvez isso todo esteja a passar, falo da minha geração (X!) e acima… também trabalho em casa, perco noção do mundo novo.
Não deixes de ter esperança!! :)
Wow, Lucy learned what millions of immigrants in America, the UK, and elsewhere have experienced since the 1800s. As someone who straddles the line of being a citizen of a country while not looking like it, I don’t see why any of this is particularly novel, eye opening, or surprising. Unless you’re an elitist who is somehow surprised that Portugal doesn’t have the full range of British television shows and doesn’t see you as one of them, what would you expect? Hopefully anyone reading this would at least use it to learn not to be as demanding or critical of the immigrants living near them, because they’re Lucy too. And sadly, it’s not rolled eyes they have to worry about.
An exceptionally mean-spirited comment. Well done for missing all the points.
Oh, how I’ve missed this. Why one earth would you be so rattled by me expressing that I was a bit bummed out that 25 years ago I had only the Brittas Empire to watch on the TV, while home alone with a baby, while I learned Portuguese, and didn’t at the time realise how I would feel after a few years? Wow indeed.
Lucy, I moved to France three years ago for my French husband. And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that in someway, I miss my home in America every day. I understand how you feel and I agree.
I get so tired of comments like “lol now you know how immigrants in America feel.”
Yeah, I know. My Neighborhood in Washington DC had a big Latino population. And I volunteered teaching ESL to adults at a heavily Latino church.
I was and remain genuinely happy that there were Latino, grocery stores, restaurants, and churches.
There is nothing wrong with anyone missing home when they move to a different country .
The only people who disagree with this are people who have never lived abroad or have something genuinely wrong with them that causes them to hate where they grew up .
Thank you!
I also think there’s an uncontrollable urge in some people to virtue signal at every possible opp. Ever since I started blogging 20 years, I’ve had people coming to tell me off for my thinking, as if they’re going to change my mind by berating me. Crazy.
I love Lisbon and Portugal, through Benfica, and have a lot of close Portuguese friends. They treat me as one of the family and I'm always amazed not just by their kindness and generosity but their families. It's always a huge wrench to leave.
However, if I moved there, I would be outside that bubble for most of the time. It would be a struggle with language, the numbing bureaucracy, utilities and above all earning a decent wage. I doubt I would really be happier.